Stranger in Moscow

I definitely feel like a stranger in Moscow...I spent mere 24 hours in the Capitol of Russia and from everything that I have experienced, I do not feel like this is my favorite city in the world. Of course this may be because of my latest experience here and perhaps I am exaggerating at this moment, but the last couple of hours made me associate this place with less than desirable destination...although, I have to note, my first half of the 24-hour-experience was enlightening. So, I choose to remember only the best and take away with me the better memories of Moscow.

It is so interesting how something negative can erase the positive impressions. Perhaps the lesson in all this is to be more selective. See, I realized that my time is a lot more valuable than I thought. I mean, we all consider our time valuable, but when you only have hours to dedicate to an experience the 'bad apples' become more obvious.

Last night God was gracious to me and He blessed me with fellowship of another believer who, living in the Big Apple needed to hear it from a sister in Christ that He is alive and well. So, the Lord used our encounter and our fellowship to answer my new friend's request and provide encouragement and hope as well as using him to speak into my life by giving clear confirmation to what God has already been revealing to me over the past week. 

However, the enemy does not want to rest. It is clear and obvious how that snake operates: he waits for me to be tired, lacking almost 48 hours of sleep to plan his scheme. Ha! I can see you from a mile away, Satan!

So, here I am, back in the center of Moscow returning for a hot breakfast to the cozy Sushi Palace, which s one of the very few affordable and decent places in a convenient location that stays open 24 hours. I get in and go back to where I was sitting previously. As I sit down there is a group of young people, very friendly and nice, politely introducing themselves and invite me to sit along, which did not seem like a bad idea since the table are kind of all sort of close together anyway. So, I politely joined. 

We all got to talk and everyone introduced themselves, lots of laughter. Very quickly we all discovered that we had one thing in common - none of us had gotten any sleep last night, oh, and almost everyone was new to the group. Apparently, it was one of those things where as people came in to sit at the nearby tables all got to join and form new friendships - a phenomenon that is not new to melting pots of travelers such as Moscow.

One thing was a bit different for me, though...I was the only one sober. But that's cool, I am not hard to get along with and all I wanted to do is get some Green Cactus tea that I enjoyed the night before along with some miso soup and perhaps a humble inside out Salmon sushi roll. 

At first everything was as one would expect: common questions of 'Where are you from?' and 'How long are you here for' mixed with other friendly chatter. Once everyone was comfortable enough they became more loose as to the topics of conversation. Add a bit of alcohol and worldly thinking into the mixture - you get the perfect recipe for foul language and vulgar, raw expressions of thought. I really thought I could block it out and change topics directed to me and still remain polite and true to my convictions, making the person on the other end of conversation understand where I stand, without judgement. A the and of the day, perhaps the could have been a chance that God would use these moments to shine through, right? Wrong...not when everyone is under the influence...

Still, I maneuvered well and stayed on course until my meal was paid for and I decided to release myself from the company of my new acquaintances...

The thing is, t was not until I retired and went on my own marry way that I felt as if someone had literally spit into my soul. Since when have I become so sensitive? I prayed and it was challenging to keep my thoughts and feelings at bay. I hated it! I hated the minutes spent entertaining and being a part of any of those conversations even though I was not agreeing but being present to listen to some of that filth. I hated the world and everything that was not of the Lord. I kept reminding myself that I MUST not judge, that I must still love the unlovable...but I hated the most recently acquired experience. I did not hate the people, don't get me wrong...I hated the enemy that I could see with my naked eye all over it and it was stealing my joy. Through prayer I requested, begging the Lord to erase the whole thing out of my memory...gladly jumping on the subway train, thinking 'Get me out of this city!'........

As I ride the Aeroexpress back to Sheremetevo airport, still praying as I lay these thoughts out on these lines of my iPad notebook app , I am feeling better. 

The enemy does not sleep, but he will not steal my joy, not will he gain any territory at my expense. There is no place for that in the place where only Christ can dwell. The chains our broken and once again I claim victory by the power of His name! I am at peace and grateful :)

Time travel!

I have super powers - I can bend time! The trip that takes 9 hours took me only an hour and fifteen minutes! :) 

I left Khabarovsk at 2:15pm and landed in Moscow at 3:30pm nine hours later...magic of traveling west in the direction of the sun! 

Last three weeks felt like a lifetime. My time has been stretched by the experiences that the Lord blessed me with, the trials and tests I had to go through and the lessons I had to learn. I lived through three generations as my grandmother took me back in time through the stories going back as far as her grandparents! 

Separation was hard. We both promised not to cry, but at the very las minute...WATERWORKS! Neither of us re able to hold it...I miss her already...

What dreams may come...

Do you believe in dreams?

Apparently we all dream. Even in Scripture there are accounts of dreams and God sending messages through dreams, whether to reveal a vision, to warn of something or even to encourage and confirm something we are praying for...

I dream a lot. While being here there are a number of dreams that I am dreaming. I am pretty sure that there are dreams that do not mean anything, but for some reason I feel like the ones that I have been dreaming in the past couple of nights do.

One more week here in Khabarovsk with my grandmother...then I will make my way back home, stopping in Rome...I can't help but feel mixed emotions, maybe that is also the reason why I dream.

Also, I cannot help but feel like I am on the verge of something and that I must be prepared...so, I pray...I pray that His perfect will is reveled and that I am able to discern and have courage to follow His voice...because some dream do come true...

The love of a Grandmother...

It has been a whole week here with my lovely and wonderful grandmother. Today we both noticed how quickly the time is going and how much we are really enjoying out time together. She told me that she is getting used to having me around again and that it will be really hard to part, that she is going to be in tears...I know that both of us will be a mess when it's time for me to go...it breaks my heart. There is nothing I can do, the time will come when we have to say good bye...


"When will we meet again?" she asks rhetorically, as if under her breath. 
"We will, grandma" I tell her, while in my mind I am fighting the negative thoughts. As we sit together, as if frozen in one embrace, we both are deep in thought, no words necessary, we both know the odds...

She is so dear to me! She is the only one with whom I REALLY feel like I belong, that family bond...here and now I am being reminded of what that feels like...we know everything about our past, we freely share our thoughts even if we are running a risk of the other person not understanding, we even disagree and get stubborn, but that is ok because the next minute we are on the next topic and we still love each other with the kind of love that overrides any argument...*SIGH

I do not feel alone nor have feelings of loneliness being with her. I have a feeling that I belong somewhere here on earth, really belong, and that is because she carries me in her heart and I carry her in mine. Only God Himself loves me more than this and she is the reason I have a slightest idea of what His love for me is like. All I have to do is think of all the love she has ever given me, her sacrifice and dedication and I get a glimpse...

I am forever grateful that He placed my grandmother in my life the way He did, that she was the one who took care of me and raised me :)

Roots

After three airports, two sleepless nights and two airplane meals I have finally touched down in my birth town - Khabarovsk. My great anticipation of seeing my grandmother and finally, after 6 long years hugging her and hearing her voice, was getting stronger with every step I took getting closer to her room in the home she was staying...the minutes became seconds and I finally was standing before room 330. The door was wide open, as she also was anticipating my arrival. When she heard my voice she jumped and, although expecting me, was still very surprised. We embraced each other and kissed, like in the movies, and it was good 😄😘

The last couple of days were interesting and so much is happening inside of me:  the mixture of emotions of being happy to see my grandmother, the sadness of the fact that she is getting older and the reality of how fragile life is, especially at her age (81 years old)...also, the fascination of the realness of her stories about my ancestry, from my great-grandparents all the way to my parents; feelings of excitement and anticipation of what is still ahead and clear realization of His work in me...all of it is happening all at once!

The stories that my grandmother is sharing about life of my family are deep...how tough life was for most of them, but they also give me a sense of gratitude - how the Lord kept me, wooed me and how he brought me here...that despite how life was going for me, the near death (or should I say actual death) experiences and the obstacles placed in my way and in the way of my whole existence...I am here and I am His! He won me over in spite satan's schemes to sabotage my purpose and my destiny, which is to know Him, the One and Only true God. 

"Who am I that You are thinking of me?" - the words of David come to mind as I rediscover my lineage. His presence becomes more real in my life and His Grace is more vivid and present as I look at the life of my grandmother and even my mother. The very things that I used to despise and hate are starting to make sense in the way how they made me who I am and the very reasons why I seek Him in my life, the very things that are bringing me closer to Him, to His purpose for my life and closer to...myself...

The greatest discovery anyone can ever make is finding a way back to oneself...becoming real to oneself. Knowing who you are and whose you are. My pastor Matthew always redirected me to that truth as I would seek his advice and guidance from time to time as a teenager going through lost times...now, at 30, I am beginning to understand more what he really meant and to experience it from the inside out. I am able to find peace even in the gloomy and gray town with not much to do and no one to really share my deepest thoughts and feelings with (that would actually understand) except with God Himself in prayer. I believe that this is the reason why He brought me here and 'cut me off' from the people I would LOVE TO run to and share with...so that I would understand that He ultimately is the One who will be sufficient...and guess what...He is! 

I never felt this intimate and close to Him. Even when I do not have the right words or thoughts to put into prayer I can feel my soul reaching out to Him and the Spirit prays on my behalf without words, and it is overwhelming! This is how we root ourselves in Him, by developing our inner life with Him, by going in our room and closing that door and just being with Him alone without any distractions...the same way Jesus went up to the mountain and prayed in intimate communion with God. For me it is happening here, in the unknown places, away from all the familiar (although it is the place I was born - it is still very unfamiliar to me). 

Here in Khabarovsk there are hardly any distractions. I am staying in a hostel-like lodge that they made available for those who come to visit relatives at the home. Grandmother told me that mom stayed in a room where she had to share a room with 3 other persons...I got a room with 2 beds all to myself! That is awesome! The last 4 days I spent next to my grandmother in her room, so many conversations...mostly her talking 😌

She told me everything she knew about where my great grandparents came from, her life, my mom's, my dad's...and mine. There are many things that were already familiar and a lot of new material...some things more disturbing than others...I have a rainbow of characters in my family, that is for sure. She is definitely the light and my guardian angel placed in my life to protect me and groom me into the person I am today!

In any event, as I am learning more and more about my roots, I am also gaining more and more appreciation in being deeply rooted in God.  As Joyce would often say: "We can have a bad start, but we can have a glorious finish!" 

With all the good, the bad and the ugly that make up our lives He is the One that helps us make sense of it all and the puzzle pieces, no matter how dark, are all a part of a beautiful picture that He is able to put together, if we let Him.

Parc de Bercy :) (worth Googling!)

The parks here in Paris are awesome! One of them I discovered as I was walking, wandering along the streets from my hotel...being led by God into this beautiful park :)
That is what happens when you walk by faith - you end up in places that you would have never imagined existed!

As I walked through it I saw people, young and old, strolling along...I looked over to my right and there was this dude walking down the stairs...UPSIDE DOWN! He was one of those urban ninjas practicing jumps and all that crazy stuff - sawlid! Then I look over to my left and there was a group of young people playing some beats and freestyling some moves, taking turns - pretty awesome! Some just sitting around watching them do their thing...

I keep going further and see the scaters doing their thing, some on boards, some on roller blades - doing tricks and stuff...some kids playing basketball on the basketball court next to them...

I walk over to the grassy area which is full of people just sitting down. The sun is soon to set and everyone is hanging out: some in groups of family or friends, some in pairs, some (like me) alone...eating, drinking, playing, reading...some on blankets, some just on the grass...the grass is so soft and clean....no bugs, no Mosquitos - Il est incroyable!

I find a spot in the sun...I hear music in the distance - a guitar and a harmonica...two guys are sitting on the grass not too far away playing for fun :) A couple arrives and sits 5 feet away from me, and they have a cat that they brought with them...aww! They are here to chill and have a glass of wine together...how romantic!

What I found so amazing is that no one is checking for one another, they do not care who is watching - they are here with the people they care about and are enjoying one another's company...no one compares or judges anyone...they are here to be themselves.

This is officially my favorite thing about Paris. Not the Eiffel Tower, not the Louvre, not even the Notre Dam...the parks! This is so me!


It is 9pm and the sun is just about to set...time to go back to the hotel...

Transformers (not what you think...)

So, I get back to my hotel room after a day by the pool, which is right next to my hotel (the pools is huge!) and discover that the transformer actually works! All my devices died all at the same time two days ago and I tried using the transformer, which I purchased at the Miami airport in hopes of documenting my trip...but that was unsuccessful :( no matter how much I tried there was no sign of power getting to my iPad nor iPod...for those of you wondering why I need a transformer: in Erope and Russia the voltage is different (220v, whereas in the US and the Bahamas it is 110v and the transformer converts the voltage)...So, all my gadgets were dead and I thought that this was the end of my picture-taking, music-playing and blog-writing joys, at least while in Paris...I was praying that God would lead me and allow me to find a way to charge at least the camera so that I would be able to make videos of my grandmother. I was totally ok with not being able to take pictures for the rest of my time here in Paris as long as I could make memories of my dear grandma!

I guess one thing I should mention is that on Sunday I was hanging out at "Champs de Élysées" watching 'Le tour de France' (which is the biggest cycling event - as big as the World Cup! People flew in just for that, like my flight companion, Scott, who told me all about it on the plane as we flew in - Thank You Scott!). Here is where I should probably give a shout out to my ne wfriend from Morocco - Yassine - it was great hanging out these past two days. Great to have someone who speaks the same language :)...by the way, 'Champs de Élysées' is a famous street here in Paris - Google it!

So, as we walked through the famous street with thousands of people and super expensive designer stores, we saw a store that had transformers for sale...one of them was €59.00 (which is like $71.00!!!). There is no way I was going to dish out this kind of money for a transformer...I mean, I could go to Disney Paris which would get me on all the rides for that amount! Besides, I already spent $20.00 for a transformer in Miami that was not working making me think that it was not a transformer at all but a simple adapter (because they had some at the store that looked exactly like the one I had and they were not transformers).

So, back to my story...I was not expecting to have my gadgets back, not until I got to Moscow or Kabarovs where I was going to make my next attempt to find something that worked at a lesser cost...I kept praying about it, thinking that this is not so bad, I get to read and write, spend time with the Lord without distractions...it was going really great! I was even able to squeeze some juice out of my iPod for my Hillsong, David Crowder and Jesus Culture fix! Things were great :)

I have to incert this one thing - another fact about Paris that I find crazy! There is hardly any Internet in public places and cafes...you would have to go to McDonalds or Starbucks and I only saw one of each in all my walking abouts...and in order to make a call you HAVE to have a phone card or a cell phone...no other way of just picking up a phone somewhere and calling locally...there - I said it!

Now I am in my room and something tells me to check the transformer to which my iPad was plugged into all night without any sign of being charged...I check it and sure enough it says 110v->220v...I take out the fuse and fiddle with it, put it back...take my iPod and plug it into the wall through the USB port on the transformer and...VOILA!!! It works! I guess I do get the remaining trip captured on film...better yet - the memories of my grandmother and my time with her are safe!!! Praise the Lord!

- added bonus: writing my blog once again becomes possible (along with Skype!)
- personal effort and stress that was spent on making it work: 1 %
- knowing that God is good and more than able: PRICELESS!

The gift or The Giver?

Did you know that oftentimes the idol in our lives is something that God has given us? God gives us gifts and we call that blessings, but what we do not know, or should I say - don't realize, is that the same gift can become more important than the One who gave it to us. If we are not careful, our gift (sometimes something that we have been praying And asking for) becomes an idol. As Mark Batterson in his book 'Soulprint' points out that "the blessing becomes a curse. Why? Because we find our identity and security in the gift instead of the Gift Giver" (p. 100)

Here is the thing, last night I had two dreams (dreaming in Paris!) and they were about the two things that represent the gifts or things that God has been blessing me with...this morning as I journaled about them I asked Him to help me discern what they meant and He revealed to me that they were warnings. Later, as I read the chapter that I quoted above, it was confirmed.

The first dream revealed the old ways of thinking I used to have in a particular area and the way it affected my decisions and the final outcome...I woke up and I was troubled because I did not know what it meant and in my dream the outcome was disappointing, leaving me in tears. I even started to pray when I woke up, asking for clarity in that area of my life and whether I should continue on that path...I got a glimpse of something good being destroyed by worldly standards...in my dream the decisions made were based on the desires of the flesh and even in my dream I was aware of the implications, which is why I wanted to cry...it was not worth it...the gift was tainted because it was outside of the will of God. This revelation through my dream was a warning reminding me of what my flesh is capable of and what it could cost me. In a way that only He can, He revealed to me that there is nothing that He would not do for me - His daughter :) that He longs to give me good things...and also because He loves me He warns me so that the enemy would not snatch those gifts away.

See, when we operate within God's jurisdiction it is illegal for Satan to snatch our blessings away. However, when we step outside of His boundaries we leave ourselves open for destruction and it is all our choice...this is why knowing what the Lord wants for us is so important, that way we can make informative choices and not step out in the dark...

So, this was divine warning...and a reminder that He is always the one to be worshipped and praised. We should never forget that our life and everything in it is a gift from God.

In my second dream, similarly, my nature was revealed to me and how that may affect another important area of my life...the ministry that He has called me to...I was being reminded that it is His ministry and not mine...and that it too can become an idol if I make it about my control over it. I realized that no matter what I want I care more about what He wants and that meant following David's example when He danced before the Lord in his undergarments in front of all the people at a huge celebration as He brought the Ark of the Lord to Jerusalem...strange behavior, right? Well, disrobing symbolized his naked humility before God instead of seeking security in the royal robes...I too am challenged to seek Him as I drop the familiar to me acts of always having the answer and being a servant as He teaches me how to lead; to step back and let others lead as He continues to rise up leaders!

I just love walking with You on the streets of Paris! The ultimate romance...

Cafe ou late, s'il vous plaît!

In terms of accomplishments, I must say - it was an excellent day!

After pushing it through yesterday and trying to stay awake, despite the fact that on my Bahamian clock I was supposed to be sleeping the night, this morning was not so bad.

Upon my arrival to the hotel yesterday morning at about 7am I was told that check in was at 2pm...I was tempted to say that "it is 2pm somewhere right now" but I decided to explore the area surrounding the hotel instead. It was awesome to see little fruit shops and parks with benches everywhere just to sit and chill. I got me a sandwich and enjoyed it sitting at a kiddie park on one of the benches...

My hotel is actually on the eastern side of Paris, on the outskirts...a nice place that kind of looks like an art/performance building. As a matter of fact, here they have a theatre that stays open during the winter season. My room reminds me of my walk-in closet, but it is super cute and has a great view, so I do not mind at all.

After checking into the hotel and thoroughly enjoying a hot shower, I almost went to sleep. However, I would not have been able to forgive myself for wasting a whole day sleeping...besides, then I would have been awake at night...so, tired and cold I strolled along the streets of Paris and ended up in one of the street cafes. They have them here everywhere and they have the best coffee! The summer here is like Bahamian winter 60 degrees Fahrenheit and all I packed was summer clothes. Thank God for the DRG jacket that I grabbed, just in case. I really wanted to read but my brain was not having it and I decided to do some people watching...there are so many different beautiful people in Paris! I even made friends with one of them.

My new friend's name is Francisco and he is actually from Spain, finally someone who speaks the same language :) It was interesting to find out that here there are more Muslims than Christians. After talking to Francisco I learned that he has many friends who are Muslim and that if he was to convert into anything and follow a certain religion it would be Islam. He even has a Koran. I learned that they believe in Jesus and even have the historical account beginning from Adam and Eve, but the difference is - they believe that Jesus was a prophet and that Mohammed is the last prophet that came after Jesus...they even believes that Jesus is coming back to defeat the Antichrist! After an awesome sharing and an exchange of what we believe I said my good byes and started to praise God that He was present in my life and that He brought me to a place in my life where I can know Him and no longer be confused about or doubt who Christ is! It is that knowing in my heart that was not there before but is undeniably present with me now...that no matter what or who comes along with something else I can love and respect them and my faith would not be shaken :) I even thought to myself that "God is aware of this conversation and He knows each one of us and He loves this person as much as He loves me, the only difference is that perhaps he is not aware of how much he is loved by God". Isn't that the case for most of us?

In the past couple of days the Lord has taken me to places in my heart, examining it and showing me where I came from...giving me a look into my past before He takes me into the future...he reminded me of my old ways of thinking and my old desires and how much He has transformed all of that. Every waking moment of this day, as I went out of the hotel, I had more and more reasons to be thankful and to praise His name!

Places I visited:
- Notre Dame (check!)
- Le Louvre (check!)
- The Eiffiel Tower at night! (check!)

Added bonuses:
- Watching the sunset from the Ferril Wheel of Paris!
- Having sushi for dinner right in front of the Eiffiel Tower and watching the light show at the same time!

Personal effort that went into planning: zero!

I literally did not know where I was going next and ended up in all those places at the perfect time each time!!! I could not have planned it better :)

Thankful and grateful...let the journey continue :)

I love it how You are right on time!!!

Last thoughts...before the departure.

Oftentimes we see difficult situations as something to avoid and run away from. That is how I felt in the past couple of days, just looking forward to running away from what I had to deal with in the 'here and now'. It really seemed like there was a constant attack coming at me from every angle, and so unnecessary, weakening me and weighting me down. It was that feeling that you just want to jump on the plane and let it take you far away and it did not matter where....in my case, that day was fast approaching and in many ways gave me a sense of relief. But one thing that I do not agree with is running away from my problems because that rarely solves them. So instead I asked God to show me what I needed to do or learn while I am still here, and began to pay attention.

Today turned out to be a day that started off as a huge mess, worse than yesterday! I felt like this project, that we are working on so hard, was falling apart and was going to fall through! I had to try really hard not to lose my cool and to remain calm and professional at work when certain people were being especially rude and disrespectful. At one point I had the desires to walk out and leave completely, but I didn't. Instead I went to my office and I was determined not to move and wait for God to let me know the next step. Every time I would get the urge to get up and go to check how things were running I refrained and stayed there, praying...

A while later the person who was causing all the turmoil came into my office and their attitude was a lot better. He was able to take responsibility for the way he approached the issues and we were able to have a conversation in a positive way. But that was not the best part. The best part was when a friend of mine came in, whom I have not seen in months, and helped me out a lot in the ministry with the youth. She came to volunteer her time today to assist with this outreach project we are working on. So, we started to talk in my office and the Lord was giving us an opportunity to share our hearts in a very deep way. I learned about the struggles she is facing in her marriage and I was able to pray with her and God allowed me to share my story with her and everything that has been going on; how much the Lord was revealing His presence to me in many ways recently, about this trip and everything that it meant to me. This was very encouraging to her, but more so to me!

 In that moment of sharing, the Lord told me that no matter what I am feeling right now and the frustration I am experiencing, He is there and He got this! He showed me this morning that it was ok for me to step back because the people He provided to carry out the vision for this project are ordained by Him and it was time to relinquish control. He revealed to me that there are things that He wants me to do, like having time to listen to my friend and being there to pray with her and encourage her through the sharing of my story.

I realized that if it was not for the conflict earlier I would not have been in my office waiting for something...waiting to be used by Him in her life.And here is what I was being reminded of...that we tend to press on and push our own way to get some things done for God, but He has another plan for us. This was the last thing that I had to learn before my trip - that when I feel like I am stuck or want to run away I need to stop, pray and wait for Him to make a move, that troubles are a way of God getting our attention. As a matter of fact, in James 1:3 the trials and tests are said to be our friends that prove our faith which helps us not to give up. "Learn well how to wait so that you will be strong and complete and in need of nothing" (verse 4)

 In essence, my going away message is clear, learning well how to wait as God continues to bring everything to completion...

Counting the days.

This is a much anticipated trip for more than one reason for me...I mean, the timing could not be more perfect and that is more reason to believe that this trip is literally ordained by God!


How can one not be excited to embark on an adventure to a far away land that all your friends wish they could go to? Yes, I know, there are things to be considered and traveling can be pretty scary, but I have a great deal of peace about it. Besides, I get to see my grandmother who is my heart and soul and I have been waiting to make this trip to see her since 2006 - my last trip there!


So, starting point - Nassau, Bahamas... Destination - Khabarovsk, Russia...everything in between is to be discovered.


It is amazing how God allows us to experience things in life and all of those experiences bring us to a certain point where His presence can be manifested in such a real and powerful way! This trip is a representation of my devotion and commitment to trust Him and walking by faith. What will happen and how it will turn out will only be known as the path before me unravels...do you dare to journey with me?