After three airports, two sleepless nights and two airplane meals I have finally touched down in my birth town - Khabarovsk. My great anticipation of seeing my grandmother and finally, after 6 long years hugging her and hearing her voice, was getting stronger with every step I took getting closer to her room in the home she was staying...the minutes became seconds and I finally was standing before room 330. The door was wide open, as she also was anticipating my arrival. When she heard my voice she jumped and, although expecting me, was still very surprised. We embraced each other and kissed, like in the movies, and it was good 😄😘
The last couple of days were interesting and so much is happening inside of me: the mixture of emotions of being happy to see my grandmother, the sadness of the fact that she is getting older and the reality of how fragile life is, especially at her age (81 years old)...also, the fascination of the realness of her stories about my ancestry, from my great-grandparents all the way to my parents; feelings of excitement and anticipation of what is still ahead and clear realization of His work in me...all of it is happening all at once!
The stories that my grandmother is sharing about life of my family are deep...how tough life was for most of them, but they also give me a sense of gratitude - how the Lord kept me, wooed me and how he brought me here...that despite how life was going for me, the near death (or should I say actual death) experiences and the obstacles placed in my way and in the way of my whole existence...I am here and I am His! He won me over in spite satan's schemes to sabotage my purpose and my destiny, which is to know Him, the One and Only true God.
"Who am I that You are thinking of me?" - the words of David come to mind as I rediscover my lineage. His presence becomes more real in my life and His Grace is more vivid and present as I look at the life of my grandmother and even my mother. The very things that I used to despise and hate are starting to make sense in the way how they made me who I am and the very reasons why I seek Him in my life, the very things that are bringing me closer to Him, to His purpose for my life and closer to...myself...
The greatest discovery anyone can ever make is finding a way back to oneself...becoming real to oneself. Knowing who you are and whose you are. My pastor Matthew always redirected me to that truth as I would seek his advice and guidance from time to time as a teenager going through lost times...now, at 30, I am beginning to understand more what he really meant and to experience it from the inside out. I am able to find peace even in the gloomy and gray town with not much to do and no one to really share my deepest thoughts and feelings with (that would actually understand) except with God Himself in prayer. I believe that this is the reason why He brought me here and 'cut me off' from the people I would LOVE TO run to and share with...so that I would understand that He ultimately is the One who will be sufficient...and guess what...He is!
I never felt this intimate and close to Him. Even when I do not have the right words or thoughts to put into prayer I can feel my soul reaching out to Him and the Spirit prays on my behalf without words, and it is overwhelming! This is how we root ourselves in Him, by developing our inner life with Him, by going in our room and closing that door and just being with Him alone without any distractions...the same way Jesus went up to the mountain and prayed in intimate communion with God. For me it is happening here, in the unknown places, away from all the familiar (although it is the place I was born - it is still very unfamiliar to me).
Here in Khabarovsk there are hardly any distractions. I am staying in a hostel-like lodge that they made available for those who come to visit relatives at the home. Grandmother told me that mom stayed in a room where she had to share a room with 3 other persons...I got a room with 2 beds all to myself! That is awesome! The last 4 days I spent next to my grandmother in her room, so many conversations...mostly her talking 😌
She told me everything she knew about where my great grandparents came from, her life, my mom's, my dad's...and mine. There are many things that were already familiar and a lot of new material...some things more disturbing than others...I have a rainbow of characters in my family, that is for sure. She is definitely the light and my guardian angel placed in my life to protect me and groom me into the person I am today!
In any event, as I am learning more and more about my roots, I am also gaining more and more appreciation in being deeply rooted in God. As Joyce would often say: "We can have a bad start, but we can have a glorious finish!"
With all the good, the bad and the ugly that make up our lives He is the One that helps us make sense of it all and the puzzle pieces, no matter how dark, are all a part of a beautiful picture that He is able to put together, if we let Him.
