Time travel!

I have super powers - I can bend time! The trip that takes 9 hours took me only an hour and fifteen minutes! :) 

I left Khabarovsk at 2:15pm and landed in Moscow at 3:30pm nine hours later...magic of traveling west in the direction of the sun! 

Last three weeks felt like a lifetime. My time has been stretched by the experiences that the Lord blessed me with, the trials and tests I had to go through and the lessons I had to learn. I lived through three generations as my grandmother took me back in time through the stories going back as far as her grandparents! 

Separation was hard. We both promised not to cry, but at the very las minute...WATERWORKS! Neither of us re able to hold it...I miss her already...

What dreams may come...

Do you believe in dreams?

Apparently we all dream. Even in Scripture there are accounts of dreams and God sending messages through dreams, whether to reveal a vision, to warn of something or even to encourage and confirm something we are praying for...

I dream a lot. While being here there are a number of dreams that I am dreaming. I am pretty sure that there are dreams that do not mean anything, but for some reason I feel like the ones that I have been dreaming in the past couple of nights do.

One more week here in Khabarovsk with my grandmother...then I will make my way back home, stopping in Rome...I can't help but feel mixed emotions, maybe that is also the reason why I dream.

Also, I cannot help but feel like I am on the verge of something and that I must be prepared...so, I pray...I pray that His perfect will is reveled and that I am able to discern and have courage to follow His voice...because some dream do come true...

The love of a Grandmother...

It has been a whole week here with my lovely and wonderful grandmother. Today we both noticed how quickly the time is going and how much we are really enjoying out time together. She told me that she is getting used to having me around again and that it will be really hard to part, that she is going to be in tears...I know that both of us will be a mess when it's time for me to go...it breaks my heart. There is nothing I can do, the time will come when we have to say good bye...


"When will we meet again?" she asks rhetorically, as if under her breath. 
"We will, grandma" I tell her, while in my mind I am fighting the negative thoughts. As we sit together, as if frozen in one embrace, we both are deep in thought, no words necessary, we both know the odds...

She is so dear to me! She is the only one with whom I REALLY feel like I belong, that family bond...here and now I am being reminded of what that feels like...we know everything about our past, we freely share our thoughts even if we are running a risk of the other person not understanding, we even disagree and get stubborn, but that is ok because the next minute we are on the next topic and we still love each other with the kind of love that overrides any argument...*SIGH

I do not feel alone nor have feelings of loneliness being with her. I have a feeling that I belong somewhere here on earth, really belong, and that is because she carries me in her heart and I carry her in mine. Only God Himself loves me more than this and she is the reason I have a slightest idea of what His love for me is like. All I have to do is think of all the love she has ever given me, her sacrifice and dedication and I get a glimpse...

I am forever grateful that He placed my grandmother in my life the way He did, that she was the one who took care of me and raised me :)

Roots

After three airports, two sleepless nights and two airplane meals I have finally touched down in my birth town - Khabarovsk. My great anticipation of seeing my grandmother and finally, after 6 long years hugging her and hearing her voice, was getting stronger with every step I took getting closer to her room in the home she was staying...the minutes became seconds and I finally was standing before room 330. The door was wide open, as she also was anticipating my arrival. When she heard my voice she jumped and, although expecting me, was still very surprised. We embraced each other and kissed, like in the movies, and it was good 😄😘

The last couple of days were interesting and so much is happening inside of me:  the mixture of emotions of being happy to see my grandmother, the sadness of the fact that she is getting older and the reality of how fragile life is, especially at her age (81 years old)...also, the fascination of the realness of her stories about my ancestry, from my great-grandparents all the way to my parents; feelings of excitement and anticipation of what is still ahead and clear realization of His work in me...all of it is happening all at once!

The stories that my grandmother is sharing about life of my family are deep...how tough life was for most of them, but they also give me a sense of gratitude - how the Lord kept me, wooed me and how he brought me here...that despite how life was going for me, the near death (or should I say actual death) experiences and the obstacles placed in my way and in the way of my whole existence...I am here and I am His! He won me over in spite satan's schemes to sabotage my purpose and my destiny, which is to know Him, the One and Only true God. 

"Who am I that You are thinking of me?" - the words of David come to mind as I rediscover my lineage. His presence becomes more real in my life and His Grace is more vivid and present as I look at the life of my grandmother and even my mother. The very things that I used to despise and hate are starting to make sense in the way how they made me who I am and the very reasons why I seek Him in my life, the very things that are bringing me closer to Him, to His purpose for my life and closer to...myself...

The greatest discovery anyone can ever make is finding a way back to oneself...becoming real to oneself. Knowing who you are and whose you are. My pastor Matthew always redirected me to that truth as I would seek his advice and guidance from time to time as a teenager going through lost times...now, at 30, I am beginning to understand more what he really meant and to experience it from the inside out. I am able to find peace even in the gloomy and gray town with not much to do and no one to really share my deepest thoughts and feelings with (that would actually understand) except with God Himself in prayer. I believe that this is the reason why He brought me here and 'cut me off' from the people I would LOVE TO run to and share with...so that I would understand that He ultimately is the One who will be sufficient...and guess what...He is! 

I never felt this intimate and close to Him. Even when I do not have the right words or thoughts to put into prayer I can feel my soul reaching out to Him and the Spirit prays on my behalf without words, and it is overwhelming! This is how we root ourselves in Him, by developing our inner life with Him, by going in our room and closing that door and just being with Him alone without any distractions...the same way Jesus went up to the mountain and prayed in intimate communion with God. For me it is happening here, in the unknown places, away from all the familiar (although it is the place I was born - it is still very unfamiliar to me). 

Here in Khabarovsk there are hardly any distractions. I am staying in a hostel-like lodge that they made available for those who come to visit relatives at the home. Grandmother told me that mom stayed in a room where she had to share a room with 3 other persons...I got a room with 2 beds all to myself! That is awesome! The last 4 days I spent next to my grandmother in her room, so many conversations...mostly her talking 😌

She told me everything she knew about where my great grandparents came from, her life, my mom's, my dad's...and mine. There are many things that were already familiar and a lot of new material...some things more disturbing than others...I have a rainbow of characters in my family, that is for sure. She is definitely the light and my guardian angel placed in my life to protect me and groom me into the person I am today!

In any event, as I am learning more and more about my roots, I am also gaining more and more appreciation in being deeply rooted in God.  As Joyce would often say: "We can have a bad start, but we can have a glorious finish!" 

With all the good, the bad and the ugly that make up our lives He is the One that helps us make sense of it all and the puzzle pieces, no matter how dark, are all a part of a beautiful picture that He is able to put together, if we let Him.

Parc de Bercy :) (worth Googling!)

The parks here in Paris are awesome! One of them I discovered as I was walking, wandering along the streets from my hotel...being led by God into this beautiful park :)
That is what happens when you walk by faith - you end up in places that you would have never imagined existed!

As I walked through it I saw people, young and old, strolling along...I looked over to my right and there was this dude walking down the stairs...UPSIDE DOWN! He was one of those urban ninjas practicing jumps and all that crazy stuff - sawlid! Then I look over to my left and there was a group of young people playing some beats and freestyling some moves, taking turns - pretty awesome! Some just sitting around watching them do their thing...

I keep going further and see the scaters doing their thing, some on boards, some on roller blades - doing tricks and stuff...some kids playing basketball on the basketball court next to them...

I walk over to the grassy area which is full of people just sitting down. The sun is soon to set and everyone is hanging out: some in groups of family or friends, some in pairs, some (like me) alone...eating, drinking, playing, reading...some on blankets, some just on the grass...the grass is so soft and clean....no bugs, no Mosquitos - Il est incroyable!

I find a spot in the sun...I hear music in the distance - a guitar and a harmonica...two guys are sitting on the grass not too far away playing for fun :) A couple arrives and sits 5 feet away from me, and they have a cat that they brought with them...aww! They are here to chill and have a glass of wine together...how romantic!

What I found so amazing is that no one is checking for one another, they do not care who is watching - they are here with the people they care about and are enjoying one another's company...no one compares or judges anyone...they are here to be themselves.

This is officially my favorite thing about Paris. Not the Eiffel Tower, not the Louvre, not even the Notre Dam...the parks! This is so me!


It is 9pm and the sun is just about to set...time to go back to the hotel...

Transformers (not what you think...)

So, I get back to my hotel room after a day by the pool, which is right next to my hotel (the pools is huge!) and discover that the transformer actually works! All my devices died all at the same time two days ago and I tried using the transformer, which I purchased at the Miami airport in hopes of documenting my trip...but that was unsuccessful :( no matter how much I tried there was no sign of power getting to my iPad nor iPod...for those of you wondering why I need a transformer: in Erope and Russia the voltage is different (220v, whereas in the US and the Bahamas it is 110v and the transformer converts the voltage)...So, all my gadgets were dead and I thought that this was the end of my picture-taking, music-playing and blog-writing joys, at least while in Paris...I was praying that God would lead me and allow me to find a way to charge at least the camera so that I would be able to make videos of my grandmother. I was totally ok with not being able to take pictures for the rest of my time here in Paris as long as I could make memories of my dear grandma!

I guess one thing I should mention is that on Sunday I was hanging out at "Champs de Élysées" watching 'Le tour de France' (which is the biggest cycling event - as big as the World Cup! People flew in just for that, like my flight companion, Scott, who told me all about it on the plane as we flew in - Thank You Scott!). Here is where I should probably give a shout out to my ne wfriend from Morocco - Yassine - it was great hanging out these past two days. Great to have someone who speaks the same language :)...by the way, 'Champs de Élysées' is a famous street here in Paris - Google it!

So, as we walked through the famous street with thousands of people and super expensive designer stores, we saw a store that had transformers for sale...one of them was €59.00 (which is like $71.00!!!). There is no way I was going to dish out this kind of money for a transformer...I mean, I could go to Disney Paris which would get me on all the rides for that amount! Besides, I already spent $20.00 for a transformer in Miami that was not working making me think that it was not a transformer at all but a simple adapter (because they had some at the store that looked exactly like the one I had and they were not transformers).

So, back to my story...I was not expecting to have my gadgets back, not until I got to Moscow or Kabarovs where I was going to make my next attempt to find something that worked at a lesser cost...I kept praying about it, thinking that this is not so bad, I get to read and write, spend time with the Lord without distractions...it was going really great! I was even able to squeeze some juice out of my iPod for my Hillsong, David Crowder and Jesus Culture fix! Things were great :)

I have to incert this one thing - another fact about Paris that I find crazy! There is hardly any Internet in public places and cafes...you would have to go to McDonalds or Starbucks and I only saw one of each in all my walking abouts...and in order to make a call you HAVE to have a phone card or a cell phone...no other way of just picking up a phone somewhere and calling locally...there - I said it!

Now I am in my room and something tells me to check the transformer to which my iPad was plugged into all night without any sign of being charged...I check it and sure enough it says 110v->220v...I take out the fuse and fiddle with it, put it back...take my iPod and plug it into the wall through the USB port on the transformer and...VOILA!!! It works! I guess I do get the remaining trip captured on film...better yet - the memories of my grandmother and my time with her are safe!!! Praise the Lord!

- added bonus: writing my blog once again becomes possible (along with Skype!)
- personal effort and stress that was spent on making it work: 1 %
- knowing that God is good and more than able: PRICELESS!

The gift or The Giver?

Did you know that oftentimes the idol in our lives is something that God has given us? God gives us gifts and we call that blessings, but what we do not know, or should I say - don't realize, is that the same gift can become more important than the One who gave it to us. If we are not careful, our gift (sometimes something that we have been praying And asking for) becomes an idol. As Mark Batterson in his book 'Soulprint' points out that "the blessing becomes a curse. Why? Because we find our identity and security in the gift instead of the Gift Giver" (p. 100)

Here is the thing, last night I had two dreams (dreaming in Paris!) and they were about the two things that represent the gifts or things that God has been blessing me with...this morning as I journaled about them I asked Him to help me discern what they meant and He revealed to me that they were warnings. Later, as I read the chapter that I quoted above, it was confirmed.

The first dream revealed the old ways of thinking I used to have in a particular area and the way it affected my decisions and the final outcome...I woke up and I was troubled because I did not know what it meant and in my dream the outcome was disappointing, leaving me in tears. I even started to pray when I woke up, asking for clarity in that area of my life and whether I should continue on that path...I got a glimpse of something good being destroyed by worldly standards...in my dream the decisions made were based on the desires of the flesh and even in my dream I was aware of the implications, which is why I wanted to cry...it was not worth it...the gift was tainted because it was outside of the will of God. This revelation through my dream was a warning reminding me of what my flesh is capable of and what it could cost me. In a way that only He can, He revealed to me that there is nothing that He would not do for me - His daughter :) that He longs to give me good things...and also because He loves me He warns me so that the enemy would not snatch those gifts away.

See, when we operate within God's jurisdiction it is illegal for Satan to snatch our blessings away. However, when we step outside of His boundaries we leave ourselves open for destruction and it is all our choice...this is why knowing what the Lord wants for us is so important, that way we can make informative choices and not step out in the dark...

So, this was divine warning...and a reminder that He is always the one to be worshipped and praised. We should never forget that our life and everything in it is a gift from God.

In my second dream, similarly, my nature was revealed to me and how that may affect another important area of my life...the ministry that He has called me to...I was being reminded that it is His ministry and not mine...and that it too can become an idol if I make it about my control over it. I realized that no matter what I want I care more about what He wants and that meant following David's example when He danced before the Lord in his undergarments in front of all the people at a huge celebration as He brought the Ark of the Lord to Jerusalem...strange behavior, right? Well, disrobing symbolized his naked humility before God instead of seeking security in the royal robes...I too am challenged to seek Him as I drop the familiar to me acts of always having the answer and being a servant as He teaches me how to lead; to step back and let others lead as He continues to rise up leaders!

I just love walking with You on the streets of Paris! The ultimate romance...